I intended to write about another relevant topic today, but have decided instead to write about my inability to sleep well, which is due at least in part to issues with Anthony. I have chosen to write it while I am far from an ideal state of rest, realizing that my writing may not be to whatever standard it might ordinarily be, but hopefully capturing the surreal nature that is lost when one reverts to a "normal" state.

I believe I can relate to a person who has been a victim of sleep-deprivation torture. I am not attempting to be facetious, and I do not mean to devalue the experiences of those who have actually suffered this as prisoners of war. I also otherwise clearly go about much of my existence with pleasant experiences and positive relationships with my wife and children--even Anthony, to an extent--that would not be associated with incarceration. However, I think I do deal with some of the same causes, if unintentional, and also some of the same effects.

I have not slept well for years. I don't know if I have gotten into that pattern directly because of Anthony, but it did begin at the same time that he started not sleeping for extended periods at night as a small child. I have had high blood pressure for years. I am overweight, although I am attempting to eat more healthily and exercise here and there, and am having some success trimming down. But, of more immediate concern to me (and probably related to the chronic issues) is that I feel like my health is deteriorating. I became sick a couple of months ago and, although the "sickness" is nominally gone, I have not returned to what had become an accepted level of health for me. That is worrisome, because even the previous level was characterized by being tired all the time.

I have been taking the sleeping medication Ambien, or a generic of it. But I still do not sleep a full night. I am going to try the "controlled release" version of it, even if insurance doesn't happen to cover much of the cost.

Yesterday morning, I had returned to sleep after about two hours awake in the middle of the night, and was sleeping deeply when Anthony woke me up. I am guessing that we did not feed him enough the previous night. Unfortunately for me (and my wife, who also was sleeping soundly), Anthony often is the most animated when he wakes up and needs to go to the bathroom or is hungry. Of course, telling him to go the bathroom does not get him to quiet down, and he will not go and feed himself, so attempts to lie in bed and wait him out do not work; eventually he wins and the deep sleep cycle is history.

I was trying to rest this afternoon as well. I had closed the bedroom door, abandoning family interactions for what I supposed would necessarily be a few hours. Just as I was sleeping soundly, again, Anthony began bothering my younger son's action figures. Naturally, my younger son wanted Anthony to stop. That upset him, and his loud reaction jolted me out of the sleep cycle.

My brain continues to be hazy, but I will not be able to go back to sleep for a while and, by that time, it will be late enough in the evening that I run into preparations for bedtime for everyone. I will have to try to ensure that all of us go to bed as quickly as is reasonably possible.

The most immediate of the immediate concerns--written that way intentionally--is that I have on occasion experienced pain in my head that I would describe as shooting from the center toward the top left side. It can be an intense, heartbeat-correlated pain. I don't know what a stroke is like, and I have not done any research to this point, but I am guessing that it would be a more severe version of what I sometimes feel. I can often tell that I am approaching the possibility for that to happen--not a stroke, but what I already experience--when I am not getting to sleep as quickly as I would like. Clearly, I need to alter my approach to getting sufficient rest, and that includes accounting for the "X-factor" that is Anthony.